The Importance of Insulting a Baby

Huy X. Le July 8, 2013 0
The Importance of Insulting a Baby

Two weeks ago I reached a major milestone in my life: My first Father’s Day as a dad. The baby got me eight bars of vegan chocolate, which is probably the best Father’s Day present I’ve gotten so far. Much like the chocolate, the day was bittersweet as it made me realize that I am growing older, and that heck, I could die at any moment from any number of things. So I spent most of Father’s Day thinking about my own death. That’s what children do for you: They make you think of death.

Button has been growing a lot. He’s actually now kind of chubby, developing rolls and puffy cheeks. He’s been smiling and talking more, sometimes being so adorable that I am amazed we made this human all by ourselves, with no help from anyone at all.

He has gotten louder — having learned to scream — sometimes making this weird jackhammer-like sound, like this: “Waaaaaaaah, eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh! Waaaaaah, eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!”

We still have no sleep pattern. He sleeps whenever, and tosses and turns at night. He is always alert and playful at 5 a.m., though, which is great, except that neither of his parents are morning people.

Two weeks ago, in a desperate attempt to regain some sanity, we asked Button’s aunt to baby-sit so that we could go out with some friends. We had a great time, and came home at 3 a.m. (don’t judge!).

A long, long time ago, we would just sleep in till noon the next day, then spend all day watching TV. Well, this time was different. We forgot to tell the baby that we needed him to sleep till noon.

At 5 a.m., like clockwork, he woke up, talking and being cute and wanting to play. Nursing a slight hangover, I tried to play peek-a-boo with him: “Peek-a-boo…ow, ow, don’t laugh so loud, baby. Daddy’s head hurts.”

He is certainly more assertive now, and this was confirmed by an astrologer, whose daughter moved into the condo unit below ours. We’ve been getting lots of reactions from complete strangers. People really love babies, and random people will stop us just to say hi to the baby.

“Aries,” said the astrologer when she met him and we gave her his birthday. “His sun and moon signs are both Aries! He’s a double Aries. He’s all fire!”
She asked for my birthday, and when I told her I was Pisces with a moon in Scorpio, she looked sympathetic.

“You are all water. He’s all fire. You two will conflict.”

Great. He’s probably going to grow up to be a hipster, a gluten-free one. I just know it. The next day, she brought over his chart, showing yet even more planets in Aries.
“He’s going to be strong-willed,” she said.

The astrologer was convinced that the baby will grow up to be a leader. She was lavishing praise on him. Everyone has been. This kid may become arrogant.

Thankfully, we have the Asian community to bring balance.

The other week, I was taking Button to work. In the parking lot of my office, two elderly Vietnamese women happened to pass by. They stopped, their eyes lit up.
“What a cute baby. He’s so cute!” said one.

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