Author Archive

Last Chance to Enjoy These Sexy Eyeballs

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

For the last several months, I’ve been enjoying the Lasik, which Jameelah and I both got on a whim while in Vietnam. That’s right, we passed by an eye hospital, saw the sign that said: “Lasik surgerie, much cheap,” and went inside. After a barrage of tests and cultural hijinx, we got the procedure done. [...]

Why I’m No Longer Watching Law and Order, Criminal Minds, Bones, CSI, NCIS, Cold Case, or Other Crime Procedurals

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

The main purpose of TV, I would say, is to help us escape from our daily lives. I come home exhausted after hours of telling people what to do and taking credit for their work, so an outlet for escapism is much needed. So I started watching Law and Order and other shows that are [...]

Vietnamese Culture Series: The Origin of Tet

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Once upon a time, there was a peaceful little Chinese village called Peach Blossom (aww!). The villagers were humble and hardworking. They spent their days farming their fields and when they got home, they sat on their couch made out of hay and stared out the window, hoping something interesting would happen among their neighbors. [...]

Jagged Noodles’ Annual Gift-Giving Guide

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

 The season of giving stuff to other people is upon us. Sure, it’s been upon us since Halloween was over, but if you’re like me, you haven’t done your gift shopping yet. In fact, according to statistics that I made up, 75 percent of people and 100 percent of humor columnists do their shopping on [...]

How to Amuse Yourself at a High School Reunion

Wednesday, December 7th, 2011

Last week, someone called me a “mensch” over email. I was about to write back and say, “Oh yeah? Well, your face looks like a butcher’s apron,” but I Wikipediaed it, and apparently a mensch is a “person of integrity and honor.” There are just some words that do not sound like what they mean. [...]

Your Place Looks Like Crap; My Place Looks Like Crap

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

My friends, we have reached a point of what I will now call “social siloism,” mainly because it makes me sound very smart. Basically, despite being more connected than ever through technology, or perhaps in spite of it, as individual units we are now very isolated from our friends and neighbors. We have become a [...]

An Asian Dude’s Experience with Black Culture, Part 3: Collard Greens and High-Fives

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

Welcome to another episode of “An Asian Dude’s Experience with Black Culture,” aka, “How I Torpedoed My Political Career before it Ever Got Started.” This week, Jameelah’s family from Louisiana came to visit, which I was genuinely excited about, and by that, I meant I was hoping to be afflicted with some sort of debilitating [...]

Mutivitamins and Other Scary Things to Think About This Halloween

Wednesday, October 19th, 2011

Every Halloween Jameelah tries to drag me to do something scary. Last year, it was a haunted maze, where actors dressed as serial killers ran at us with chainsaws while strobe lights flashed in the background. It was really frightening — that we paid $25 each and waited for an hour in line. “You’re no [...]

Squishing Bread and the Damage to Society

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

I learned recently that in the Vietnamese culture there is a concept called “squishing the bread.” Basically, you’re a baker who makes bread, and you notice that customers like your competing neighbor’s bread better. But instead of improving the quality of your bread, you sneak over and squish your neighbor’s bread so they’re worse than [...]

Signs You’re Dealing With a Psychopath

Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
care bear

  Today, I read an article in the Huffington Post, arguably the second finest news source online after the IE, about psychopaths and how to recognize them. This is very important information to know. The world is full of psychos, and if we can’t recognize them, then whom are we going to invite to Tea [...]

Obese Children and Other Signs of Vietnam’s Economic Growth

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

Jameelah and I returned from our trip to Vietnam. After four weeks, we learned to cuss like the locals. “Do mat dich!” I would say, which I think literally means “You thing that has lost a duck.” I don’t know why that’s an insult. Maybe it’s because ducks are so valuable, and anyone who loses [...]

JN’s Adventures in Vietnam, Part II

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

The Vietnamese concept of ‘que huong”, or home village, is strong in Vietnamese culture. When making acquaintance with someone, a common question is, “que o dau?” or “where’s your home village?” Usually, it’s a tiny little place, where everyone knows everyone. Jameelah and I are in my village, Don Duong, where mist covers the base [...]

Jagged Noodles’ Adventures in Vietnam, Part I

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

After 21 hours of travel, I finally arrived in the city of Saigon. (If I want to be punched in the face by Vietnamese veterans in Seattle, I could call it by its official name “Ho Chi Minh City”.) The flight was good, made better by six or seven tiny shots of wine, which I [...]

My Wife’s Away and I Have No Clean Laundry

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

For the past three weeks, my wife has been in Vietnam, staying with my relatives in a small mountain village. It’s so surprising to the simple villagers to see a real Black person that they immediately go on to Facebook and update their Wall. She’s been having a great time absorbing the language and culture [...]

The Principles of Good Cooking

Thursday, July 7th, 2011

Dear readers, last year, I started a blog called “Lazy-Ass Vegan,” a forum for recipes that you can prepare during commercials of “Law and Order.” However, I was too lazy to update it. Plus, Law and Order started sucking. Luckily, while developing recipes for that blog, I discovered the basic principles of successful cooking. Principle [...]

Diary of a Brown-Thumb Gardener

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

After months of darkness and despair, Spring is finally bursting forward like things featured in pictures from Representative Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account. Which only means one thing: Time to break out the hoes! For gardening, of course. Seattleites are gardening freaks, and now that Jameelah and I have a condo, with a little balcony, we [...]

An Asian Dude’s Experience with Black Culture: Episode 2 – A Little Racism Can Be Fun

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011

Dear everyone, becoming a humor writer is not something to be taken lightly. Like Spiderman from the Broadway musical would say, “With great power, comes great…aiiiieeeee!!! Arrghh, my leg, my leg is broken!” When one chooses to be a humorist, one is choosing to make a big sacrifice. Mainly, none of us will ever hold [...]

An Asian Dude’s Experience with Black Culture: Episode 1 – Hot Dang It’s a Hot Comb!

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Every once in a while, I realize my wife is Black. Which gave me the brilliant idea of doing a series of blog posts called “An Asian Dude’s Experience with Black Culture.” In this first post, we explore the hot comb, an instrument of torture that is also used to straighten hair. Apparently there is [...]

How To Increase Your Chances of Getting a Plaque

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011

In two weeks, the International Examiner will be hosting its annual dinner to recognize local unsung heroes. If you are like me, you dream about standing up there on stage, sharply dressed, holding a tasteful shiny asymmetrical crystal trophy or plaque with your name on it. Months of lobbying my boss, the Editor in Chief, [...]

Memoir of a Wedding Reception Survivor

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

For the past several months, Jameelah and have been trapped in a profound vortex of darkness, a bottomless well of agony and despair. (i.e., we were planning our wedding reception)…

Let’s Stop Treating Our Teachers Like Crap!

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Every day, my wife, a fourth-grade teacher, comes home exhausted. She then stays up late grading papers and preparing for the next day. Lying in bed waiting for her to go to sleep, I become concerned. Mainly that she will discover my secret stash of Trader Joe’s Pound-Plus dark chocolate with almonds, which I take [...]

Gauging the Next Generation of Writers

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

This week, I was dragged to Jameelah’s fourth-grade class as a “guest writer.” This shows just how poor the quality of our education system is, when I am a guest speaker for anything. The little tykes were working on their fiction stories, which they had polished for days, and now they were having a “publishing [...]

I May Be Tweeting, But I’m Still A Human Being!

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

My friends, if you have been reading Jagged Noodles for the past two years, you know of my vehement disdain of Facebook and Twitter. And I don’t use the word “vehement” lightly … mainly because I don’t know where the emphasis goes. Is it VEE-heh-ment? Or Veh-HEE-ment?…VEH-heh-ment? However, recently, with the fall of Mubarak, (what [...]

The US Needs More “Tiger Mothers”!

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

There is a huge debate raging right now over Amy Chua and her “Tiger Mother” parenting methods, a strict form of discipline that the US government has adopted to train Navy SEALS. It includes, among other things, forcing your child to get nothing less than straight A’s in school, perfect classic pieces on the piano [...]

Lets Stop It With the Mind Games On Valentine’s Day

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Dear readers, today is the eve of the Lunar New Year. Before I launch into my usual ramblings, I want to take some time to wish you and your family a New Year filled with joy, happiness, good fortune, health and success. It is the year of the Rabbit (Cat, if you’re Vietnamese). This year, [...]

On Following One’s Nut

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Forget having wash-board abs — this year my primary resolution is to follow my nut. Those of you who have seen either of the animated movies “Ice Age” know what I am talking about. In the movies, there is a crazed little squirrel who chases after this acorn. It perpetually rolls away from him, and [...]

Destruction of Society One Status Message at a Time

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

Dearest JN readers, I hope this column finds you well. I had a great holiday, sick on the couch, hacking and coughing. Instead of gifts for the little ones — our nieces and nephews — this year we decided to donate money in their names to charity. How their faces lit up as they realized [...]

How to Plan the Perfect Holiday Party

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

It’s that time of the year again, when all of us set aside time in our busy lives, and reflect on the fundamental question: Should I throw a holiday party? Humans have a fundamental need to throw parties around the holidays. It is a result of evolution, as individuals who have the resources and skills [...]

A New Superhero is Born

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

On Thanksgiving, while I was busy basting the Tofurky, horrible delinquents broke into my car. Obviously there was nothing left to take, since they had stolen everything in the previous eight break-ins throughout these past three years. It has gotten so often that I’m thinking of leaving little cards in the glove compartment that say, [...]

How To Shove An Old Lady

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Every year, around this time, we give thanks for the things that we often take for granted. Things like family and friendship and commu — OMG, a 16-gig flash drive for $4.99! Where was I? Oh yes, community. Once a year, we reflect on how fortunate we are to have food and shel — WTF, [...]