If you are an Asian American adult, you may be wondering how can I give back? What contribution can I make to the next generation to bridge the gap? Having spent the past nine months working with both middle and high school students, I can tell you many students are longing for genuine relationships where they can receive encouragement, understanding, affection, and guidance.

Part of my job as a counselor is helping students understand healthy and unhealthy relationships. Another part is giving back to them as a mentor. Teenagers and young adults, truly appreciate adults who have the time and willingness to pass on life lessons in areas such as discipline, self-esteem, adversity, perseverance, and emotional health.

If you get an opportunity to give back to the next generation of Asian Americans, I suggest taking a look at how difficult and much more competitive it is for them to succeed in today’s job market. Everything has gotten more competitive and demanding — high school classes, college admissions, and job openings.

Some of us may feel fortunate to not have to compete like today’s generation but we should not dismiss or minimize the incredible burden young Asian Americans face to honor their families. As a result, I think what the younger generation needs is more affirmation, nurturing, and a feeling that their lives matter and count regardless of what career path they take. So many students cling desperately to the belief that getting into a good college and getting a high-paying job is the only thing that matters. They need the older generation to pass on the wisdom of life and give them a wider perspective on what is a good life. Students today have a very narrow view of success and part of the older generation’s responsibility is to help them formulate their own definition of success.

Some of my earliest mentors came in the form of athletic coaches growing up in Seattle. They not only taught us skills in our various sports but also valuable life skills and good thinking. My high school swim coach was always encouraging despite my lack of abilities and told me even if I didn’t win any races, my participation was enough. He taught me to think about life and my own sense of worth beyond the traditional win/lose, success/failure paradigm.

But even in work and life, I know so many people who see themselves categorically as a “failed” person when they go through challenges such as a divorce or job loss. This victim mentality unfortunately keeps them in a vicious cycle of shame and guilt.

What the Asian community needs are mature people who can pass on a more healthy view of life to the next generation. Let our young know that success means nothing if they do not learn to live for something bigger than themselves. Let’s not only teach them, but show them there’s more to success in the Asian American world than financial wealth; let’s show them love, compassion, community, and the need to give back to those following in our footsteps.

In L.A., I can remember instances when after meeting people at a social event and exchanging our names, they would ask, “Are you _________ (insert ethnicity here)? The question may be benign but some people use it as a divider and when they realize you are not of the same ethnic background, the conversation stops.

A couple of months ago, I was working out at the Renton Community Center wearing a basketball jersey with the name of a Korean American magazine on it. A Korean man approached me and enthusiastically asked if I was Korean and pointing to my shirt. I told him no but am a strong supporter of journalism and that particular Korean magazine. But to my dismay, he had heard enough and he stopped talking to me.

Why do we do this? Is it insecurity that we can not find any commonality with others outside our race? Are we so full of ethnic pride that we dare not risk “diluting” our sense of who we are by associating with others? It’s strange to outsiders, but Asians can be the most racist towards each other. While the average white person may clump us all together and think we form one happy Asian clan, I see division—as if we’re competing to be the most “successful” Asian American.

For myself, I’ve had to adjust to the influx of different Asians who now have immigrated to Seattle within the past 2 decades. While growing up, it was relatively simple: Chinese, Japanese, Filipino, and some Vietnamese and Korean. Now the landscape has changed significantly to the point where I can sometimes feel myself getting threatened by new groups—not physically but emotionally. Take Chinatown for instance, I once considered it my ‘hood where the Cantonese ruled the roost. I’ve now noticed Mandarin starting to take center stage in Chinatown due to the wave of immigrants from Taiwan and mainland China. My first thought is, “What happened to ‘our people’ and why do these guys have to be here?” It’s insensitive and I acknowledge my own cultural pride kicking in. I think the other part is territorial in the sense that I don’t ever want to lose my ethnic “voice”. Fortunately, I’ve been in situations where I was the minority among Asians and recognize how hurtful it felt to be excluded because of my background and how to be different. I’ve come to a place where I want to be as inclusive as possible so others are not left feeling unwanted or left out.

So how do we extend ourselves to those outside our race? It’s risky and vulnerable because it may mean leaving our cultural comfort zone to learn another. It also requires having the humility to recognize the value of another culture of having equal worth as ours. It means finding our shared humanity that transcends our ethnic and cultural barriers.

The easiest way I’ve learned to do this is by sharing my story with people. Not stories of success or accomplishments but one of struggles, fears, and inadequacies. I believe this is a point of true connection between two people, regardless of race. It’s extremely hard among Asians since most of us have never been encouraged to share our weaknesses with each other. It’s my hope we can change that.

Abandonment itself is the most primal universal fear of our humanity. It is a fear that we will be left alone with no one to take care of us, protect us, or meet our most urgent needs. While most people think of abandonment in terms of a parent leaving a child to fend for his/her survival, there’s limited understanding about the range of abandonment and the depth of its impact on adult relationships.

Abandonment issues result from the loss of a significant loved one in your life. It can be the death of a parent, sibling, friend, or partner. The loss can be either a real one or a perceived one. If you feel you were not loved by your parents, that can be enough to activate abandonment issues. Others can come from great homes with loving parents but a severe loss from a romantic relationship in adulthood can be enough to trigger abandonment issues if the loss was never processed.

So how do you know if you or a friend is dealing with abandonment? Some signs or symptoms to pay attention to include:

-an intense fear of abandonment in your primary relationships

-heightened memories or thoughts of traumatic separations

-extreme sensitivity to rejection

-a tendency to avoid close relationships altogether

-or a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly

-a tendency to act impulsively without being able to stop even when you know there could be negative consequences

What I have seen in clients dealing with abandonment is extreme fear and distress at the perceived loss of a significant relationship. For example in a relationship (can be dating or a marital one), a person suffering from abandonment worries obsessively that the other person doesn’t like them and is hyper-vigilant for any sign of withdrawal. If enough time goes by where he/she anticipates but does not receive a text, phone call, or email from their partner, distress sets in.

You may also be extremely sensitive to any threats of loss to your loved one and this can come out as controlling behavior. You may control your partner as a means of keeping your anxiety of abandonment from escalating. You may cling at any perceived withdrawal from your significant other. You may have persistent fears or worries of losing your major attachment figure.

The person believes he/she has been left or abandoned and intense anxiety and fear of loss sets in. The person may even cognitively recognize his/her fears are not rational but it does not stop the emotional reactivity that seemingly has been hardwired into the system. Why is this so?

The reason is because of our biological make-up. We were born to connect with our loved ones. If an emotional rupture occurred either in childhood or adulthood, this rupture can resurface in subsequent instances of relational break-ups.

The key to dealing with abandonment is learning to recognize your past history of abandonment and seeing how it impacts your current relationships. All of these are indicators of abandonment that occurred in our most cherished relationships.

So whether you’re dealing with a recent loss or a lingering wound from the past, learning to acknowledge and process that loss in the right context is crucial to growing from your past and living in the present.

Prior to my work in Seattle, I worked as a counselor at a community college and also at an eating disorder clinic in Los Angeles where I saw clients grappling with issues related to food, eating, body-image, and self-esteem.

One client initially came into therapy not because of her bulimia but because of problems with her boyfriend. After numerous sessions she later revealed her need to occasionally vomit after eating. When I peeled back the layers of her life, I learned how much she yearned for her mother’s approval growing up. Her mother was critical, demeaning, and sent her the message that she was “not good enough”. She had been teased by her mother for her “baby fat” and was labeled as “ugly”. So in her desperate pursuit to gain approval from her family, she exercised religiously, ate small meals, and would occasionally purge. While she found some satisfaction in her slimmer figure, she constantly wrestled with doubt, fear, and insecurity. Unfortunately, what she longed for was unconditional love and acceptance from her family but instead settled for the cheap substitute of love.

Another client grew up in a divorced household where she lived with her father. Her father was consumed by work so she never had a real relationship with him. By high school, she stopped eating. Her anorexia got the attention of her father who tried to find treatment for her. But it became obvious that she did not want to give this up as the eating disorder brought her father into her life. The attention she so desperately wanted from her father only occurred when she struggled with anorexia and thus perpetuated the disorder.

Other clients struggle with eating due to issues of dependency. One adult client struggled with food because her parents still had a tight rein on her life decisions such as where she could live, work, or who she could date that she never learned to trust her own instincts or feelings. Because she hated this feeling of dependency, she rebelled by acting out through the only avenue where she had some semblance of control. But what she truly desired more than a decadent piece of chocolate or ice cream were understanding, connection, support, and validation which are things only another human can provide.

Others binge eat and use food as a form of comfort to numb out painful feelings such as anxiety, anger, loneliness, or depression. Food can also be used to cope with troubled relationships such as a break-up, loss, abuse, hurt or other past trauma. If someone has never learned how to express their feelings or deal with loss in a healthy way, then food can easily act as a way to stem the feelings from rising to the point of consciousness. But our emotions are strong and will seek a release unless we learn to process them and deal with them in our relationships. The only way people break free from these types of disorders is through positive, healthy relationships. Relationships heal.

From an Asian American perspective, we must help those struggling with eating disorders to not feel shamed since there’s such a stigma to anyone being less than perfect. We must help our culture acknowledge embrace our imperfections if we’re to deal effectively with those grappling with life’s challenges and looking for recovery.

Healthy self-esteem is rooted in our uniqueness as human beings and not on what we can do or produce in this world. It is based on the security of knowing that you have worth and value just for being alive. But if your parents did not experience this sense of unconditional love in their own families, then there’s a strong likelihood you may have a distorted view and understanding of security, self-esteem, and recognition of your own self-worth in relationship to others.

Asian American clients are often the least assertive and least likely to express their thoughts and feelings in the context of their relationships with others due to their cultural heritage of harmony and collectivism. While there’s nothing wrong with harmony per se, it does impact your sense of self-worth when you begin losing your own “voice” for fear of rejection or ridicule.

This lack of self-esteem can crop up in the work world. Asians have been viewed as being obedient, loyal, good workers who don’t complain on the job. On the same token, their allegiance to obedience precludes them from taking a stand and asking for what they may deserve in their careers.

I had a couple of female clients who felt they deserved a raise or at the very least more responsibility in their respective jobs. Unfortunately, they believed as Asians that their work would be good enough to garner the recognition and advancement they deserved. But in a traditional work setting where Asian men and women are the minority, this is where you are most likely to be passed over for a promotion. Why is that? It’s because few of us were ever taught the necessary skill of assertiveness and confrontation. Confrontation should not be seen as a negative word. It is simply the act of addressing your thoughts and desires to another human being. Sure, there may be anxiety and fear surrounding the encounter but these types of interactions need to happen otherwise you risk losing respect to your boss and thus erode your own sense of respect for yourself.

In both cases, I was able to coach them to set up a time to meet with their bosses privately, express their displeasure of being passed over by stating in a clear and firm voice, “I’m not happy working here and this is why…”. The simple act of expressing this thought was both liberating and frightening for them as this type of assertiveness was never encouraged at home.

In the end, both of the women got what they wanted. But I reassured them that the point of the encounter wasn’t necessarily to get a raise or promotion but to teach them the skill of being comfortable to ask for it. There will be instances when a boss or supervisor will reject your requests, but what’s important is sending them the tacit message that you will stand up for yourself. And by doing so, you will gain the respect from your boss since your boss can only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

You may reminisce of earlier times such as the “getting-to-know-you” stage where everything was new, exciting, and fun. But now, you’re in the bored, tired, “know-too-much-of-you” stage. This can be an excruciating time for couples. Short of having an affair or cheating on your partner (which I’m not advocating), nothing gets your pulse pounding when it comes to relationships. What now??

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and the Hallmark holiday may have re-ignited a flicker in your heart. But you know it’s just that, a flicker. A flicker that won’t keep your heart lit any more than a birthday candle that eventually must be blown out.

How do you connect more deeply with the core of your being to your beloved? I think part of it is altering the content of your conversations. Let’s drop the safe discussions about kids, homework, work-related stresses, and other daily matters. It’s time to go where you don’t want to go. Expose yourself. Your partner may have seen you naked hundreds of time but has he/she seen you undress yourself emotionally for the sake of intimacy? Stripped of your ego, defenses, or pride, can you truly be more vulnerable with yourself and your partner?

You may ask, “What does this look like?” Well, be open first with disappointments in your life. Maybe you’re disappointed that the marriage or relationship isn’t where it should be and making that statement could free you to more genuine dialogue. Keep in mind this is not meant as an indictment against your partner or your relationship but just a reflection of your own state of being. Maybe you’re disappointed in other areas of life. Maybe, you have fears that have never been revealed. Maybe, you harbor resentment from past hurt from your mate or others that you can’t seem to let go. You may have thought forgiveness would be simple. Yet, you now realize it’s still simmering underneath a veil of kindness or condescension and apathy.

Maybe you’ve felt controlled by your partner for many years and are stuck in a passive mode of relating and are on the verge of exploding. As an Asian American, you may be in a relationship where you’ve never felt like you had the right to ask your partner to meet some deep needs. The very act of asking for something in a relationship is a risk in itself and must not be forgotten.

Maybe you suffer greatly from low self-esteem and are afraid to ever upset your partner for fear of losing the relationship. Whatever the case, the path to deeper intimacy is not dancing around the issues in your relationship but being brave enough to talk about them openly, even at the cost of rejection.

So where’s the fire? Well, I believe the fire is within each of us. But we must be willing to light the fire that exposes the truths about ourselves, however painful. We must embrace that reality and as we do so, you will move towards a more authentic relationship with yourself and as a result, a deeper and more satisfying relationship with your significant other.

– Aristotle

Dating is hard enough as it is but dating in an Asian American context is made even more difficult because of our culture. Asians pride themselves on their marriages, families, children, and continuation of the family lineage. Despite this obsession on fostering marriage, kids, and culture, I find it striking that most Asian parents never discuss dating thoroughly with their children. Sure they may tell you not to date until you’re “old enough” or “have a good job” but other than that, most Asian Americans enter the dating world with a limited understanding of dating, relationships, and the process of discernment needed to find a good mate.

Because Asian families are so skewed towards the promotion of marriage and children they rarely discuss the crucial period of singlehood and what’s needed to develop there before you launch into the dating scene. Many view singleness as simply the time served to look for a spouse/partner. This is where single people need to re-examine their thoughts on singlehood.

Some past clients would ask in bewilderment to their behavior of girlfriend/boyfriend hopping (i.e. “I don’t know why I am always jumping from one person to another?”). It’s simple, they don’t like being single. They have yet to realize how important it is to not only learn how to handle the anxiety of being single but also to recognize the purpose of singlehood.

Singlehood is not a time where you’re waiting to find someone. Singlehood is the precious time you should devote to finding yourself. You must develop yourself during singlehood or you will lose yourself in a relationship. This is the one opportunity in life where you can truly explore your interests, values, and personal convictions in life. What are your hobbies? Do you prefer a sedentary or active lifestyle? Outside of work, what other organizations or causes do you want to support? How are you connected to your community? Do you have any spiritual or religious values? The strength of a relationship will ultimately hinge on the foundation of who you are as a person separate from your career or your relationship with your partner. You must examine yourself and find your values in life otherwise the core of your being will be missing not only to yourself but to your significant other. How can you ask someone to love you for who you are when you don’t even know who you are?

Some Asian families raise the stakes so high when their children are dating that they see it only from a “success” or “failure” stand-point. We must change this. Dating should be seen as an opportunity to get to know someone and learn something new from another person. If it doesn’t work out, then we should see that as a “success” because now you know what works for you and what doesn’t, as painful as it may be.

Another important question to ask yourself while dating is, “Can this person be my good friend?” If so, then you may have found a great catch. Don’t let the American culture of romanticized love fool you into getting involved in a relationship where the two of you “look good together” but have no friendship to sustain the relationship. On a similar note, physical attraction is important but keep in mind that a relationship built on a foundation of physical intimacy is just one component of love. Don’t ever forget the need for emotional or spiritual intimacy.

*Disclaimer: “Dr. Sam” is a mental health counselor associate accruing hours towards full licensure, not a clinical doctor. All views and advice suggested in his columns are meant to be useful and are based on his experiences. To contact Sam Louie, please visit: www.slacounseling.com or e-mail sam@slacounseling.com.

The challenge of life is in the hard work of discovering ourselves. The question, “Who am I?” usually crops up after someone encounters a major crisis such as a job loss, divorce, or death of a loved one. Others ask because they can feel a nagging unrest from within their souls. The ache and yearning to find their true self can no longer be suppressed.

If you’re Asian American, you may first have to drown in your success before you ask this question to yourself. Only after realizing you’re more than your career, family, or possessions does this search begin. But it’s made more difficult if you’re Asian since your schooling and family most likely did not encourage self-discovery, curiosity, or learning for learning’s sake. You were not praised to question, probe, or critique authority figures such as parents, teachers, pastors, or other leaders. Instead you were asked to simply memorize and obey. But in doing so, you may have sacrificed your free will to the influence and minds of others thus stifling your courage, imagination, and resourcefulness.

The first step towards answering, “Who am I” is learning how to listen to and find your own independent streams of thought. Some of you may want to move into a different career, others may want out of a relationship, or maybe there’s a general malaise with life. This is normal. In fact, if you’re seriously questioning moving in a new direction, there should be some level of grief and anxiety over the potential loss of your old self. But take heart because this type of loss can be accompanied by a re-birth marked by renewal, growth, and empowerment.

For myself, I endured the loss of both my marriage and my career as a t.v. journalist several years ago and was confronted with that very question of “Who am I?” From that devastating experience, I gained an unquenchable thirst to understand healthy relationships. The search brought me closer to my Asian heritage and a newfound understanding and appreciation of both the strengths and the weaknesses of Asian relational dynamics. It also forced me to risk more relationally by building a new support system of friends who could offer me their encouragement, support, and care through this crisis. I joined a men’s support group, went to relationship workshops, and found my own counselor.

For yourself, you will have to look at your own life journey and evaluate what you want changed for the future. You will need to courageously discern “life-draining” people and activities and replace them with “life-giving” alternatives. It may mean cutting off mediocre people who offer nothing more than security for you. It may mean having the strength to tell your boss you deserve a raise. It may mean being more vulnerable in your current relationship with a partner by exposing more of your thoughts despite the possibility of rejection.

We all have different needs and desires so what’s important in answering, “Who am I” is a deep understanding of what really moves you and the fearless conviction to move boldly in that direction.

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

Authenticity is defined as being genuine or real. When it comes to valuable artwork and other collectibles, many sellers guarantee a certificate of authenticity (COA). This ensures that what they have is real and not fake. If authenticity is prized among material goods, shouldn’t we value our life and relationships even more so?

As Asian Americans, many of us have traversed the road of school, work, and relationships under the direction of our parents. But Asians often complain about living a life that’s not in sync with their core being. Some desire a career that their parents would not approve of, others want more empowerment and choice in their relationships.

It’s a typical cultural identity crisis that comes up in my work as a therapist. In these cases, the majority of the time is spent helping adult clients “individuate” or separate from their family of origin. The work is to help them discern and trust their own thoughts, wishes, and aspirations apart from their parents.

One example is from an Asian woman I worked with last year. She was conflicted because her parents disapproved of the men she dated (not “good” enough), and her career choice of pursuing a counseling degree (not “prestigious” enough). Needless to say, this woman was wracked by insecurity. The family exerted tremendous pressure on her to break off her relationship with a guy that her family considered too old for her. However, in our work together I was proud that she was able to stick to her convictions and pursue a counseling career.

So why are these types of interactions and relationship patterns so typical of Asian families? I believe it’s due to our collectivist nature as Asians where harmony is prized over the American traits of freedom and individualism. So as Asians living in America, how do we find our true self amidst our filial duty to be honorable to our cultural roots?

To find yourself, you must invest time and energy to grow as a person. Professional, emotional, and spiritual growth does not happen without intentionality or risk. You must take risks to grow. Oftentimes, the risk is in learning to be vulnerable to others. It also includes the risk to be vulnerable to yourself; learning to see yourself as others see you.

This is the essence of psychotherapy where clients learn how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship to another person. Through this process, clients also learn to recognize repeated patterns of thoughts and behaviors that negatively impact their relationships to others and themselves.

Whatever you decide to do for 2010 and in the upcoming decade, what’s important is to break out of your Asian mentality and take the risk to grow. There is no such thing as failure. Failure is just not trying.

*Disclaimer: “Dr. Sam” is a mental health counselor associate accruing hours towards full licensure, not a clinical doctor. All views and advice suggested in his columns are meant to be useful and are based on his experiences. To contact Sam Louie, please visit: www.slacounseling.com or e-mail sam@slacounseling.com.

As with most Asian families, our holidays and celebrations revolve around some aspect of eating. It’s part of our cultural heritage to enjoy each other’s company surrounded by the comfort of food. These family rituals are good because they foster a sense of connectedness, familiarity, safety, and trust.

But in the midst of this holiday cheer, the familiarity of our Asian holiday rituals can also keep us from delving into deeper and more meaningful relationships with our loved ones. I’m calling this my “holiday fear”.

The fear I have is in getting closer to my parents. I’ve had the luxury of being away in the past as an excuse, but now I’m confronted with trying to be as authentic and real as I can while respecting their Chinese heritage. What I mean by this is that I want to be able to express my appreciation to my parents beyond my usual pat response of “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” in Cantonese. I’d like to say and do more, even if it means risking myself relationally through possible rejection.

My family (including my brothers) has never had an opportunity to share their true thoughts and feelings with each other. Even though the holidays would appear to be the most appropriate time to do so, we’ve stayed emotionally distant and hidden from each other for more than 30 years.

This is a common complaint and challenge among many of my Asian clients and the younger, immigrant generation. Many young people have never had their parents express an interest in getting to know them. Consequently, some fall prey to gangs, addictions, or unhealthy, abusive relationships.

The biggest struggle I face is not feeling “known” by my parents and not “knowing them”. I wish they could understand my fears, hopes, dreams, and hardships. I equally wish I knew what motivates, inspires, or moves them. They have had to struggle financially for so many years that they may have repressed their thoughts and feelings from not only us but also to their own selves. Now many years later, I have come to terms with this loss of connection with my parents. Still, I want to try my best to give them a glimpse of my heart.

The biggest suggestion to myself and others struggling in this area is to start revealing more to our parents. It is a bit counter-intuitive because we all desire our parents to seek out this information on their own as opposed to us chasing them down. Nevertheless, I think it’s a start. So as a means to build a stronger relationship with them, I just started sharing about what gets me excited. I first told them about my excitement to be back in Seattle and living in the same city as them. I told them how I’m excited to be working at an Asian counseling center and working with students from the Seattle Public School District. I told them I’m excited to start building a private-practice for adults. I also told them I’m excited to be dating again and revealed my hope that I’d like to one day get married and raise a family. All of this was done with the goal that my parents can get to know me without having to ask. For them, asking questions about my life may be too vulnerable for them. For myself, it seems risky to talk about these areas of my life when they didn’t ask for it. Still, I believe it’s my responsibility to take the relational risk and initiate these conversations or we will forever remain stuck in our old patterns of relating based on assumptions and wondering if either side truly cares about the other. The dialogue has started and it must continue if the foundation for emotional intimacy is to grow stronger in the years to come.

To contact Sam Louie, e-mail coachsamlouie@gmail.com or call (206) 778-2686.

*Disclaimer: “Dr. Sam” is a certified counselor (MA), not a clinical doctor. All views and advice suggested in his columns are meant to be useful and are based on his experiences.